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Disclaimer:

Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Boat Show arrest: detained man claims to be former US Navy SEAL

Boat Show arrest: detained man claims to be former US Navy SEAL

Mysterious chef in bizarre conspiracy warning 

States of Jersey police are currently questioning a Mr Casey Ryback, who was detained at St Helier harbour on Saturday after attacking the frontman of visiting UK band, Imperceptible Whispers, at the rear of the Lifeboat Café shortly after they had finished their set.

It is understood Mr Ryback is a cook aboard the HMS Flashheart, currently moored in the marina as part of the Boat Show festivities.

Angler and retired plumber, Glen Swaddlecloth, described what happened.  ‘Had a right old story to tell, he did, as they were leading him away.  Said he was a Medal of Honour winner, Purple Heart, who served in Afghanistan, Iraq, Yemen, The Congo, Syria - and a whole heap of other places I ain’t never heard of neither.  Funny sounding voice, he had.  Real sly, like.  Kept squinting his eyes too, and pausing all the time….. dragging out his consonants when he spoke.  ‘‘Speak to the captain!’’ he kept saying. ‘‘Speak to the captain!’’. Kept banging on about an ‘‘imminent attack on Guernsey with VX rockets’’. ‘Proper weirdo, like’

Taking charge of the case is inspector Keith Honeydew.  ‘It’s not uncommon’ he said ‘for folk to get a little carried away with things at the Boat Show.  Particularly on the Saturday.  It’s the same every year: a bit too much sun, a few too many Pimms.  Tie that in with the carnival atmosphere down here and you’ve got a Perfect Storm on your hands.  It was like Rio down here early evening.’

‘This Ryback,’ explained Mr Honeydew ‘it’s as if he’s ghost.  There’s nothing of him on Facebook.  Nothing on LinkedIn.  Nothing on Friends Reunited.  We’ve tried calling the Department of Homeland Security too, but they just got us mixed up with New Jersey, and told me to call again on Tuesday.’ 

‘Mr Ryback’ said Honeydew ‘at the request of the Bailiff, is currently being held under the Non-Compliance Law of 1478, and will not be released until he quits with all this Action Man codswallop and starts speaking sense’ 

 

Jeremy Kyle to spearhead new hospital radio show

Jeremy Kyle to spearhead new hospital radio show

Whale-gate: the truth behind Gavin Williamson's sacking

Whale-gate: the truth behind Gavin Williamson's sacking