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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Gorilla roadblock outrage

Gorilla roadblock outrage

Martial law declared after major town artery blocked by apes

Police have ordered residents in the capital to stay in their homes after 39 painted gorillas have been cemented to one another in the east-side entrance of the tunnel.  It is not yet known who carried out the attack, how they were able to do it, nor why indeed they might have done so.  

Leading the investigation is inspector Keith Honeydew, who, rubbishing claims the vandalism was carried out by a black-ops Durrell paramilitary unit, this morning gave the following statement.  ‘This is an extremely serious incident’ he said.  ‘We are urging anybody who might have any information on the attackers to please come forward.  Our current investigation is looking at anybody who might have grievance with central governance.  That is: teachers, nurses, doctors, fishermen, (both commercial and recreational), hotel owners, small businesses, former TTS employees or States’ gardeners, and of course taxi drivers.  But also’ he then said ‘we are widening the net of disapprobation, to include: farmers, cyclists, disability claimants, and dog and/or vehicle owners.’  ‘So’ he said ‘if anybody knows anyone who falls within these categories; who is unable to account for themselves between the hours of 11pm yesterday and 7am this morning, please do the right thing and let us know who they are’

As a community grapples with coming to terms with the assault, ministers are again finding themselves under the microscope.  ‘What I don’t understand’ said Georgetown resident Ursula Mercer ‘is how one person can do so much in so little time, and yet it takes eighteen months to get a team of five to fill the pothole outside my front door.’   

Keith Honeydew was steely in his resolve to apprehend those responsible. ‘Each of the gorillas’ he said ‘weighs just shy of 1100 kilos. So, it is worth noting that this isn’t someone who has just hurled the creatures atop one another willy-nilly; but rather has positioned them methodically; and with care, and with a sensitivity befitting of their very conception. And with,’ he then added ‘I will dare to suggest, no small degree of love.  In fact,’ he said poignantly ‘I rather suspect that the sentiment with which the gorillas have been re-stationed, might well be the undoing of the perpetrator or perpetrators…… A sort of kiss’ he said ‘that ultimately betrays them.’  ‘So with that in mind,’ he said ‘if members of the public perhaps know a disgruntled mammal handler or zoo keeper or primate expert - with possible stonemasonry experience and a civil service background, who has access to their own heavy lifting equipment, a lorry, and a flair for colour, to please not hesitate in contacting our incident room on 612612.’  

Jeremy Kyle to spearhead new hospital radio show

Jeremy Kyle to spearhead new hospital radio show