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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Jersey's stunning new lifeboat arrives in St Helier

Jersey's stunning new lifeboat arrives in St Helier

Celebrations at the harbour continue late into the night as public gets first glimpse of ‘stunning’ new all-weather lifeboat  

Fireworks over the marina

Fireworks over the marina

The newly formed Jersey RNLI has blown away any concerns that it might struggle to raise the necessary funds quickly enough to go into service, after taking delivery yesterday of its state-of-the-art new lifeboat. 

The new lifeboat, anchored off Belcroute

The new lifeboat, anchored off Belcroute

It is believed that over the last few weeks, a number of locally residing high net worth benefactors have stepped in with their cheque books, offering reciprocal gratitude to the organisation which has rescued many of them from a number of recent mishaps involving super-yachts and gin.

The Jersey RNLI’s chief, Andy Hibbs, expressed his delight as he took delivery of the lifeboat. 

Captain Hibbs

Captain Hibbs

‘She’s beautiful’ he said ‘This new vessel will allow us to cope with everything that is thrown at us.  Literally.  I would like to say a huge thank you to everyone at BAE Systems for managing to get her into the water in just one month’   

The BAE Systems, MK 7 Startled Cobra RRV (Rapid Response Vessel), will, alongside the assistance of stricken ocean-goers, allow Jersey’s RNLI to repel any attack by hostile parties, or UK based rival entities.  Its weapons systems include:

BAE Systems 4.5 inch Mark 8 Mod 1 naval gun

7.62mm miniguns

Phalanx 20mm calibre close-in weapons systems

It also has a Sea-Viper air defence system, comprising of:

- 24 cell A50 Sylver Vertical Launching System, with a mix of:

Aster 15 missiles, range 1.7–30 km (1.1–18.6 mi)

- Aster 30 missiles, range 3–120 km (1.9–74.6 mi)

‘It is,’ Mr Hibbs explained ‘a modern-day rescue boat, equipped for modern day challenges.’  ‘Whilst we are sorry not to have been able to make room for a defibrillator or decompression unit, we are delighted to now have, as well as Spearfish torpedoes, a water-canon and rocket propelled cargo net - which can ensnare and neutralise as many as ten would-be hijackers in a single discharge’

‘We would like to formally invite members of the public to take part in a naming competition.  The winning suggestion will be adorned on her side, and the person who chose it will get to join us for her test trials and for a special gala lunch.’  ‘We will not’ Mr Hibbs added ‘be responding to ‘‘Gunship McGunship face’’. 

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