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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Cold Potato War: Brendan Gleeson unmasked as States' mole

Cold Potato War: Brendan Gleeson unmasked as States' mole

'Mr Duhamel'

'Mr Duhamel'

Brendan Gleeson

Brendan Gleeson

(APRIL 2016)

The States of Jersey are currently in an unprecedented period of soul-searching that threatens to alter forever the very nature of ministerial accountability after it was revealed yesterday that celebrated Irish actor Brendon Gleeson was a spy operating unchecked in the uppermost echelons of the States.

Chief Minister Ian Gorst gave this reaction to the scandal yesterday: ‘What matters now is our security.  Now is not the time for finger pointing, and for asking who knew what and when.  Now is the time to shore-up our defences and to undertake a complete, root-and-branch audit of government procedure.  We need to be absolutely certain a breach of this severity may never happen again - before we begin the business of punitive investigations’

Mr Gleeson’s main objective seems to have been reporting back on sensitive movements in the potato industry.  Local analysts have been at a loss to account for why sales of Jersey Royals had fallen for the last three consecutive years, placing most of the blame on molecular gastronomy championed on Masterchef.

The new Bailiff, William Bailhache, made the following announcement this morning. ‘We suspect Mr Gleeson to have been engaged in a range of endeavours designed to undermine the economic, psychological, political integrity and morale of the States of Jersey.  We believe him to have been involved in covert sabotage of the tourism industry, of secretly labelling the Island a ‘tax haven’, of destabilising the preparations for the Island Games, of defaming Major Pierson, and of plotting to choke the administration with nonsensical propositions and of promoting a culture of ‘rainbow-chasing’’.

A sombre Mr Bailhache addressing at the Royal Court this morning

A sombre Mr Bailhache addressing at the Royal Court this morning

Former Treasury minister Phil Ozouf said this of the news.  ‘Things are always so easy with hindsight, aren’t they?  I did used to wonder at times if he was just saying things for effect.  Like he was just, you know, enjoying it all.  That it was a game.'  'When he made the suggestion that people should keep their knotweed in check by ‘‘eating it’’, I later heard him on his mobile phone to someone.  In hysterics, he was’

‘I used to sit next to him in some environmental meetings’ said Transport minister Eddie Noel ‘It just seems so obvious now.  I did used to think that he would often smell of whiskey.  He would always look a little less dejected than everyone else when England lost in the rugby too.  And would sometimes let out the occasional ‘feck’.’

Mr Bailhache refused to answer questions as to whether the exposure of Mr Gleeson would reignite speculation over the morality of an alleged gagging order which was reported to have been placed upon an individual known only as ‘John Doe’, who claimed last year that Royal Jersey had a high-level informant working within Agriculture and Fisheries ministry in Dublin.

In response to the unveiling of Mr Gleeson, Jersey expelled this morning three Irish competitors from the table tennis open at Fort Regent. 

 

 

Poking the Bear: Jersey on collision course with Russia

Poking the Bear: Jersey on collision course with Russia