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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site are fictitious.

 

Disarray as construction of new Green Street Police station halts as Neolithic site is discovered beneath Roman one

Disarray as construction of new Green Street Police station halts as Neolithic site is discovered beneath Roman one

(FEB 2016)

The twelve thousand year old time bomb

Plans for the new Jersey police headquarters have been shelved indefinitely after Neolithic articles were found at the Green Street site – just as archaeologists were packing up the last of their equipment after completing the excavation of the Roman one discovered there last year.

Having now been recognised as a ‘Site of Truly Global Importance’, police chiefs are now unable to proceed with the construction, or indeed of revisiting the area at all.

‘We really mean it on this one’ explained Fritz Schnaffenpap from the World Heritage Commission.  ‘It seems that there all sorts of bodies springing up and awarding this turnstile or that alleyway special status.  But this is no small matter.  Not this one.  We fully expect to find bits of broken pot and arrowhead fragments - the likes of which we haven’t seen since the last site we discovered’ 

   
  
    
  
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     Commander Graham Cocksure studies the order from the World Heritage Commission

Commander Graham Cocksure studies the order from the World Heritage Commission

Mr Schnaffenpap explained the rarity of uncovering a site of special interest on top of another.  ‘I have only heard of such a thing happening once.  Scientists unearthed a stegosaurus hip from beneath an Iron Age brothel.  The whole of west Harrogate was then out of bounds from 1951 to the early seventies.’

Mr Schnaffenpap described what will happen next at the former car park. ‘It will take our teams approximately fourteen years to remove the primary layer of soil.’ he said ‘That’s when things will really get going’

Since the ruling by the commission it has become clear that there is no possible way the police can extend their time at Rouge Bouillon after it emerged yesterday that the site has been bought by Albatross Ltd., a development company that will convert the existing buildings into luxury offices that they will then be contractually obliged to keep unoccupied.

‘This is a catastrophe’ said Helen Glover from the Association of Chief Police Officers ‘This very situation occurred in Honduras.  Officers were recorded as sleeping in their cars, interrogating suspects in Starbucks and using freights containers as lockups.  Morale plummeted as constables were arriving at crimes scenes with crinkled, dirty uniform and bad breath, and were failing to complete any necessary paperwork.’

Brian Maltravers, owner of Curwood’s Limousines on Rouge Bouillon, is one man that will not be sorry to see the service ousted.  ‘I’ve no sympathy’ he said ‘The crimes figures keep going down every year but no one seems to have mentioned that to the police.  They come hurtling up and down here - at all times of the morning, lights flashing, horns blaring… they’re like teenagers.  A lot of them actually are, that’s the trouble.  They should be out playing football, picking up girls.  They’ve no real sense of what they’re doing, young people today’

Mr Maltravers

Mr Maltravers

So as of April the seventh, the police will have no premises whatsoever.  A source from within the organisation, who wished to remain anonymous, spoke of the likelihood of the States resolving the situation. ‘We don’t stand a chance.  Look what happened to the sea cadets.  They set up an eleven man commission to go and sort them out a new gaff, they came back six months later, empty handed, having spunked five hundred grand.  I mean, how difficult is it to locate a large shed?  I could do it on Google Earth for tenner’

Members of the public are asked, if they do have any space in outhouses or spare rooms, to consider whether they might be able to accommodate one or more officers and/or a filing cabinet.  The States are offering an attractive remuneration package, to include a reduction in Social Security contributions and free lapel badges.

Poking the Bear: Jersey on collision course with Russia

Poking the Bear: Jersey on collision course with Russia