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Breaking Jersey News is a satirical website.  All content contained within it is entirely fictional.  Whilst some of the public figures may be real, all of the stories contained within the site fictitious.

 

Poking the Bear: Jersey on collision course with Russia

Poking the Bear: Jersey on collision course with Russia

(MARCH 2016)

Relations between NATO and Russia set to deteriorate irreparably after it is revealed that Jersey’s new air traffic control tower is Apollo 13, and the Americans have a secret underground facility beneath it

A schematic of existing American facilities

A schematic of existing American facilities

States of Jersey ministers may have inadvertently put us on the brink World War Three after we can reveal that the Americans have been secretly setting up a research facility on the Island and that the new control tower at the airport is none other than the Apollo 13 rocket. 

Since we broke the news late this morning, monitors have reported ‘significant’ movements in Russian armaments, with troops and heavy artillery taking up positions near the borders with Estonia, Latvia and Belarus.  We are also able to reveal that the new freight hangar currently under construction at the airport will house a huge extension to the existing American facilities and will house another laboratory as well as a propulsion research centre and UFO store.

The rocket which was shipped into Jersey in two sections by Huelin Renouf, was signed off by customs and excise as 'a new flume for the Aqua Splash’.

We spoke with a couple of locals about the revelations.  ‘I knew it!’ said Jorge Fernandes of the Rubis petrol station opposite the airport ‘I always said that the tower, it looks like something out of The Moomins, no?!  We say that something very strange is happening when we look at our stock take.  You understand?  We are selling more cookies and doughnuts in the last six months than we did in the whole of the nineties’

‘It’s just typical, isn’t it?’ said Trevor Grebe, duty manager at Les Ormes ‘Can you image what it’s going to be like on a Saturday afternoon round here when all these new hangars and test centres are finished?  People trying to get out of St Peters garden centre, Quennevais FC with a home game, the Five Mile road closed for those fucking time trials, Jersey hosting the rugby, and a great convey of armoured Humvees tearing about - towing Christ knows what?  We’ll be lucky to get anyone in at all for Drive and Dine’

We pressed Terry Le Sueur, former chief minister and man who signed off on the deal, for a statement on what many are now branding ‘Jersey’s Roswell’.  ‘NASA were’ he explained ‘pretty skint at the time, and wanted an office in the Channel.  We weren’t much better, and needed a new tower.  The whole thing just made sense.  We decided to keep it all on the lowdown because there was a slight worry that Putin might think we were restarting the Star Wars missile defence shield originally proposed by Ronald Reagan but that was shut down by Obama.  We just figured that if we could just get the rocket over here and set in the ground, upside down, Moscow would realise that there was absolutely no malice in any of this at all.  To be honest, when we first agreed to let the Americans come here, they just said they wanted a bit of admin space.  A few telephones.  A cabin here and there…..  They said nothing about a nuclear bunker.  Laboratories.’  Mr Le Sueur then sighed.  ‘We should have got something down in an email I suppose’

Mr Le Sueuer sighed, before making off in an awaiting car

Mr Le Sueuer sighed, before making off in an awaiting car

We asked Mr Le Sueuer what he thought of the recent sightings of Russian bombers off the Cornish coast and hunter-killer submarines off Kent.  ‘Just a coincidence, I’m sure’ he said, before making off in an awaiting car.

Disarray as construction of new Green Street Police station halts as Neolithic site is discovered beneath Roman one

Disarray as construction of new Green Street Police station halts as Neolithic site is discovered beneath Roman one

Cold Potato War: Brendan Gleeson unmasked as States' mole

Cold Potato War: Brendan Gleeson unmasked as States' mole